Funny quotes


 

Funny Quotes

 

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

 

 

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

 

 

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

 

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

 

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Rita Rudner

 

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Zach Galifianakis

 

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams

 

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

 

Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker’s reflection.

Lady Gaga

 

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

 

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra

 

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

Albert Einstein

 

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

Dr. Seuss

 

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

 

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

 

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld

 

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Will Rogers

 

Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

Bernard M. Baruch

 

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

Claude Pepper

 

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

 

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

Al Gore

 

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

Oscar Wilde

 

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

 

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby

 

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

 

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

 

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

P. J. O’Rourke

 

We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a f**king lactose intolerance?!

Chris Rock

 

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says “gun”? Congressional hearing.

Chris Rock

 

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

 

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

 

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Johnny Carson

 

A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children.

David Brenner

 

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Mark Twain

 

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

Laurence J. Peter

 

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Joey Adams

 

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

 

I intend to lFunny Quotes

 

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Zach Galifianakis

 

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

 

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

 

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

 

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Rita Rudner

 

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Zach Galifianakis

 

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams

 

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

 

Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker’s reflection.

Lady Gaga

 

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

 

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra

 

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

Albert Einstein

 

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

Dr. Seuss

 

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

 

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

 

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld

 

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Will Rogers

 

Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

Bernard M. Baruch

 

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

Claude Pepper

 

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

 

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

Al Gore

 

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

Oscar Wilde

 

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

 

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby

 

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

 

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

 

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

P. J. O’Rourke

 

We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a f**king lactose intolerance?!

Chris Rock

 

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says “gun”? Congressional hearing.

Chris Rock

 

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

 

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

 

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Johnny Carson

 

A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children.

David Brenner

 

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Mark Twain

 

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

Laurence J. Peter

 

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Joey Adams

 

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

 

I intend to l

 

 

 

 

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